memory and truth

for quite some time now i have found myself thinking about memories, the way they transform over time, and the "truth" they contain. it began when i was still in undergrad, last year, working on multiple series trying to define one, start another, and still uphold the theory that the art should be consistent, which i am just not. in the midst of that confusing time (yet another reason i have favored this procrastination period of mine) i began to see how my memories are integral to my creative process.

i think childhood memories are such a common occurrence for me because my twenties are nearing the end and i believe you cannot write (or re-write) history until the past is truly the past. therefore childhood is the furthest historical moment of my life to explore. i am sure sometime soon my childhood memories will be taken over by teens, then twenties and so forth until i die. what i am most interested in is how they take over, morph, and dissolve as time passes.

it is intriguing to me that many of my strongest memories seem so sad and dark even if the absolute truths, such as time and place, are not. like chasing butterflies on a bright sunny day, smelling lilacs in the air, but knowing that moment is shadowed by someone's death. it is how i feel about this memory that is very poignant, very real. so where is the "truth" in that? that seems to shift all the time so is it even real? for me the truth is whatever it is at the time i am with it and the trick is to not remain attached to that emotional quality of the memory-especially if it is unpleasant.

i do feel that by telling a story in great description i am be able to recall more and more, however i also find that the truth begins to fade as the imagination takes over. it becomes difficult to tell which part is true anymore outside of the absolute. at this point, the point where a memory becomes engrossed in imagination, is the place where i often find myself seeking out inspiration for a new series. my biggest problem is finding the appropriate visual language and then determining how literal i want to be, if at all.

in the past i have used animals to represent humans and create a narrative between the composition and the title. for instance this one is titled 'the independent one'...
which more or less was composed to convey the feeling of loneliness or being left behind and titled to reflect the way that i used to justify my loneliness through independence. it really just doesn't quite push me there though. almost. not quite.

i am still interested in using animals in my work however i have been to inspired to start painting figuratively since a show that i went to a few weeks ago at AutoBody in Alameda to see paintings by my former professor Dickson Schneider and art friends/former classmates, Raymond Wong and Richard Kramer.

this piece was at the show. it's by my friend Raymond, titled 'homeland obscurity' and while that has nothing to do with childhood memories, it does have soemthing to do with truth and reality. i find the way the paint moves around the canvas to be just as inspiring as the emotional quality of the figure.

that whole show made me want to focus on painting again and welcome back all of my struggles with it.

i am eager to work again....period.

let's just hope that i can find some time in march!

having this part time WSPS thing is too fun to not put it on hold for a little longer...after all...there is always a reason to procrastinate!